Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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