when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
