she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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