Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
