It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize