so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
