2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
