U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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