I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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