And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
zippers are such a cool invention
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
