Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
