Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sober January is a disaster.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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