I wanna passion pit in your ass
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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