i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
