This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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