I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
His hands were made for my vagina.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
