Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
