remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
