You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Two words: nipple clamps
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