she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
