I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
