Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
