my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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