the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
