I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
my phone needs a breathalizer
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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