But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
you traded sex for a burrito?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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