I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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