No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
