I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Randomize