The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
