i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
