New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
