My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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