The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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