We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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