I'm lost and stupid without you.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
