chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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