Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
