I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I know her cup size but not her name....
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
