One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
