if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
