Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
