This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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