His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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