I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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