Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
