He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
