meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
