so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Randomize
