I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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