I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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