Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Randomize