If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
