Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
