so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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