I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
