she woke up with a sticky ear
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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