How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
