I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
