Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
