Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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