Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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