i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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