awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
