i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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