Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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