You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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