Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
